Every Friday, we will be summing up the week's events in famous land with a list of the top five winners and losers, as determined by a complex algorithm. Hyperlinks are provided where deemed necessary.
The Ribbons go to:
5. The Donald, for receiving Joey Lawrence's approval in regards to his phony presidential bid. "Some of the stuff he says makes sense" is a good endorsement, right? *Keeps straight face.*
4. Alex Pettyfer (Beastly, I am Number Four), for saying what everyone has always been thinking and suggesting that we "run all the cunts out" of Hollywood.
3. Jon Cryer, because he essentially gets his own show that certainly won't immediately fail.
2. Kate Middleton for looking lovely at the wedding the whole world except me apparently watched.
1. Miley Cyrus, for going braless in her own home, despite upsetting the conservative Christian sector and haters like this who have a problem with an 18-year-old adult wearing no bra under an opaque shirt, especially when there is a smidge of sideboob involved. Ridiculous.
The Ribbings go to:
5. Casey Abrams, for failing to learn that Middle America wanted to see him sing sweetly and play instruments, not growl. As Simon would say, this is a singing competition!
4. Paris Hilton's stalker, for failing to get Paris to marry him AGAIN, even though her dad totally said he could, you guys!
3. Paris's boyfriend, Cy Waits, for getting nailed in the back of the head for dating that hoe.
2. Rihanna, for getting body scanned by TSA for being hot. I was going to say this is the most she's been physically violated in the public eye, but, wait...
1. Charlie Sheen, because his nemesis Chaim Levine resurrected his show without him. That's gotta chap his warlock ass.
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