Ribbons and Ribbings: 5/9- 5/13

Each Friday, we sum up the week's events by awarding ribbons to the top five winners and ribbings to the five biggest losers in celeb world.

The ribbons go to:
5. Bar Rafaeli for splitting with Leo and thus opening herself to the expensive affections of rich dudes worldwide.

4. Arnold because who wants to be with Maria Shriver, when there are single girls like Bar Rafaeli out there? Now that his political career is coming to an end, it's trophy wife time!

3. Bree Olson, one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses and a former fake nanny on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" for apparently landing a playboy shoot for banging the most talked-about famous guy of the past few months.

2. The Situation's dad, for finally getting his five minutes and getting to tell stories about his douche son's dick on TMZ. Also at one point in this series of web videos, he says, "fuck the little fuck!", which is just funny.

1. Ashton Kutcher for replacing Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men", and thus landing the first talked-about job he has had in a very long time.

The ribbings go to:
5. Bristol Palin, for getting plastic surgery and still looking kind of like a butt.

4. The Situation, because his nasty, low-rent Staten Island dad made him look like an idiot on the interwebs. As if he wasn't making himself look like a big enough idiot on TV.

3.Britney Spears, whose parents still claim she is mentally unfit to even testify in court against former manager and alleged celeb-doper, Sam Lufti.

2. Leo. Bar is pretty got-damn sexy.

1. Ashton Kutcher, for becoming the newest star of a show I suspect nobody will watch anymore. I may be wrong, but I imagine the kind of people who watched new episodes of "Two and a Half Men" in prime time are probably pretty loyal to that Charlie Harper character, who apparently is just going to be written out forever.